The premium coffee shop, known for charging more than $3 for a simple cup of coffee, has found itself struggling to keep pace with drastically increased demand as more and more Americans resort to hoarding the hard-to-find drinks. While the company insists it has the means to keep up with demand, many local Starbucks are reporting shortages of their most popular drinks and some customers are being sent away empty handed.

“I have a gun safe at home, and I’ve moved all the rifles and handguns to the closet so I have room in there for Caffe Mochas and Caramel Macchiatos,” said Keith Robinson, a local real estate agent. “I want to make sure I have all the Starbucks coffees I need if things go bad, and they’re getting hard to find.”

Much of the recent fear stems from comments by members of the United States Board of Directors indicating that premium coffee rights may be limited over the coming months and years. The United States of America, which announced this morning it had been acquired by Chinese computer-maker Lenovo, has a very high coffee abuse rate, and some company officials have indicated their support for coffee control measures like prohibitions on high-caffeine drinks, six-hour purchase waiting periods, and more.

Robinson says he isn’t taking any chances. “If these limits take effect, well, we might just have a revolution on our hands. And if that day comes, I’m going to be wired.”

The United States began life in 1776 as a democratic republic, hailed around the world for its new and innovative political system which was intended to derive its just powers from its citizens. After a turbulent 232 years, the United States acquired several banking, insurance, and automotive companies in 2008 and reorganized as a private business. Then-CEO George W. Bush, after initiating the privatization of the U.S. government, ceded authority to Barack Obama in the country’s final free election under the previous charter (‘Constitution’).

The U.S. Board of Directors, formerly known as ‘Congress’, agreed to sell the business to Lenovo after contentious debate when it became clear that their core businesses—banking, finance, and automobiles—were unsustainable without major foreign investment.

Lenovo officials were unavailable for comment.

Critics claim that the cancellation of 2009 will exacerbate the economic crisis, as all existence will cease during the time that would have been the new year. The New York Stock Exchange, Nasdaq, and most other major international stock indexes are expected to disappear during the temporary cessation of time and, thus, there will likely be no economic recovery until time resumes in 2010 or later.

Revelers can expect a cataclysmic disintegration of all time and space as they ring in the New Year. Scientists had previously scheduled a ‘leap second’ to correct for the slowing of the Earth’s rotation, and because the leap second is technically part of 2008 the temporary end of time will actually occur one second after midnight. All citizens of Earth are urged to remain calm as their existence comes to a temporary end. UNCOA officials reiterate the absolute necessity of calling off 2009 until more economic stability can be assured.

Regular posting will resume after UNCOA restarts time.

Since Ian Fleming’s fictional British Secret Agent, James Bond, first came to film portrayed by Sean Connery in 1962′s Dr. No, there have been 22 official films in the series and an additional ‘unofficial’ film, Never Say Never Again, also starring Connery. Five other actors have played James Bond in the long line of films: George Lazenby, Roger Moore, Timothy Dalton, Pierce Brosnan, and Daniel Craig.

Franklin Blofeld, no relation to the fictional Ernst Stavro Blofeld who was a primary antagonist to James Bond early in the series, is a Bondographer who has studied the James Bond film series since seeing Roger Moore in Octopussy in 1982. Beginning with the 1987 release of The Living Daylights starring Timothy Dalton, Blofeld began performing a poll to compare each new film to the laughably dated Moonraker and Diamonds Are Forever.

“In reality,” said Blofeld, “it doesn’t matter if each new film is excellent, or even good. It doesn’t have to be. It just has to be better than Moonraker and, to a lesser extent, Diamonds Are Forever. As long as the filmmakers have done that, they have succeeded. As long as there are no laser space shuttle fights, moon buggy chases, or Jimmy Deans, we’re doing okay.”

According to Blofeld’s most recent poll, Quantum of Solace was rated by over 99.5% of respondents as being better than Moonraker. Over 98% also rated Quantum as being better than Diamonds Are Forever. This clearly rates the newest addition to the series as among the top twenty official films, along with Dr. No, From Russia With Love, Goldfinger, Thunderball, You Only Live Twice, On Her Majesty’s Secret Service, Live and Let Die, The Man With The Golden Gun, The Spy Who Loved Me, For Your Eyes Only, Octopussy, A View To A Kill, The Living Daylights, License To Kill, GoldenEye, Tomorrow Never Dies, The World is Not Enough, Die Another Day, and Casino Royale.

Blofeld explains that Never Say Never Again is not included in his polling due to its questionable status in the Bond canon and potential legal repercussions from EON Productions, owner of the Bond franchise. He does, however, personally consider it a valid (if imperfect) Bond film. “In reality, it was a Bond film. It had Sean Connery playing Agent 007, James Bond, so there’s really no question. In fact, you could say that, in a way, all Connery films—Finding Forrester, for example, or Dragonheart or The Hunt for Red October—are really Bond films in a sense. The same can be said about George Lazenby.”

Bond producers have not yet announced the next addition to the series, but Daniel Craig is expected to return for another outing as the suave secret agent. Blofeld intends to continue producing his poll as long as producers make Bond films. “Moonraker and Diamonds Are Forever are really blights on the whole Bond genre, and it’s part of my job to make sure it doesn’t happen again,” said Blofeld. “If it does, I might have to start focusing on Star Trek. I sure hope we don’t have a repeat of Star Trek V.”

Santa’s team of elves have been faced with difficulty keeping pace with the world’s consumerism over the last two decades. Cost-cutting measures have led to periodic elf strikes and other labor difficulties, including a 2004 investigation of unexplained elf illness by the North Poll Occupational Safety & Health Agency (NPOSHA) that remains unresolved.

“When we got into this business, it was wooden horses, fireman helmets, and plastic swords,” said Claus in a 2006 interview with BBC World News following a two-month-long elf strike. “If we are to remain competitive in this world of iPods and X-Boxes, we are going to need to work longer and harder. We may also need to outsource some of our toy production to non-elf factories around the world.”

According to officials in Hong Kong, Santa outsourced as much as 50% of his 2007 and 2008 toy production to a network of sweatshops in the Chinese countryside. These sweatshops, known for dangerous working conditions and the illicit employment of child labor, have recently become the subject of various crackdowns from Chinese and international law enforcement agencies.

Claus was unavailable for comment.

Mill Mountain was a good place to get away. It had a beautiful quiet about it in the late afternoon, especially on weekdays when the tourists were sparse. I always enjoyed the blessed incongruity of the world’s largest man-made illuminated star—though I could do without the mind-numbing neon buzz.

The view of Roanoke, the so-called “Star City,” was best in the winter when the air was clear. But it was mid-summer now. You could barely make out the buildings and the just-illuminated streetlights through the thick summer haze that blanketed the valley. Storm clouds gathered over the hills and mountains to the west, looking like a standard line of afternoon thunderstorms.

I heard footsteps approach from behind and to the right—from the nature trail, not the parking lot. They stopped near me. I ignored the new visitor as I usually do. I didn’t come to Mill Mountain intending to make conversation.

“How’s the view?” the stranger asked.

A talker, I thought. “See for yourself.”

He stepped up to the railing beside me. I didn’t look at him and, as far as I know, he didn’t look at me.

“This place has a darkness about it lately,” he said.

I ignored him.

The stranger sighed. “People do more bad than good in this valley. It’s a place built on lies and rumors.”

I knew exactly what he meant, and I had grown tired of it too, but I just shrugged. “What can ya’ do, eh?”

I’d had my share of that darkness in my life. And it wasn’t just me either. Everybody I knew had been the victim of a small-town smear campaign or been on the receiving end of some hateful soul’s web of lies. That darkness seemed to permeate that place, hiding around every corner, infecting every life. It sapped the goodness right out of you.

The stranger stepped back from the railing and his footsteps receded in the direction they came from.

I heard a low rumble of thunder in the mid-distance and a drop of rain landed square on my right shoulder. I walked back to my car and started driving down the mountain back to town.

Soon, the storm came in at full strength. I down-shifted my aging Mustang’s transmission into second and turned the wipers on ‘high,’ but still had to lean forward and squint to see the road ahead. The lightning followed not long after, so fast it was like a strobe. The thunder became a continuous roar largely drowning out 96.3 WROV’s rock and roll.

As I crossed the bridge over the Roanoke River and railroad tracks back into the city, the shrill tone of the Emergency Alert System came over the radio. A flash flood warning for the entire region had just been declared by the National Weather Service. “…prolonged rain overnight and continuing through the day tomorrow as a low pressure system stalls over the Roanoke Valley. Residents in low-lying and flood-prone areas should seek higher ground.”

I turned on the television to the middle of Jeff Clavier’s weather report on News Channel 10. “…Airport has already recorded over four inches of rain overnight, and we’ve got lots more where that came from. A low pressure system is sitting over the Roanoke Valley, pinned by a high over New England and a stationary front off the coast. We’re looking at steady rain for at least the next twenty-four hours, which means much of the area remains under a flash flood warning. We are already seeing severe flooding in downtown Roanoke….”

Glancing out my 2nd floor window I noticed that the creek behind the complex was already creeping far over its banks.

“…in fact, we could potentially see flooding as bad or worse than the Great Flood of 1985, which until now was the worst Roanoke had ever seen. That flood, set off by the remnants of Hurricane Juan, pushed the Roanoke River more than twenty feet over its banks and submerged much of the city for days….”

I turned off the television, grabbed a coat, and set out into the downpour intending to dutifully report for work at the Subway Restaurant in a nearby strip-mall. I made it about half way. Drenched from the run to the car and running the heater full-blast in a vain attempt to dry off, I made a right turn into a lake that hadn’t been there the day before.

I stopped, but not before my front tires were three-quarters submerged. I backed out—probably just avoiding a stall-out—but the water was rising at a frightening pace. A fire truck sat—lights still on—abandoned much further in.

I swiveled the dial on my radio in search of a station covering the weather, but most of my favorites had disappeared into a sea of static.

I began to get a bad feeling—the unsettled, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling you get when your life seems to be going terribly wrong and you have to make a snap decision that could affect you for the indefinite future. I knew I should get out of town. Higher ground seemed like a good idea.

I drove to Route 24 west, which would take me out of Roanoke, through Vinton, and up to the Blue Ridge Parkway. Very quickly I was caught up in the worst traffic jam I had ever seen, put into place (unbeknownst to me) by the mayor’s belated evacuation order given less than fifteen minutes before.

At a dead-stop in the left lane, I sat. The traffic light, visible three-hundred feet ahead, cycled pointlessly through red, green, yellow, then red again. Between the cars to my right, down a small embankment, I saw a creek. The water was high over its natural banks, creeping up slowly toward the road.

Soon, the last working radio station—94.9 Star Country—faded into static, and only the beat of my windshield wipers and ceaseless patter of raindrops remained.

Then I heard a strange sound coming from somewhere in the distance behind me. I looked in the rear-view and saw movement, but couldn’t tell what it was. I turned around and squinted through the rear window.

Then I saw it.

It was a wave. A wave of unimaginable, nightmarish scale.

I opened the driver’s door and stepped into the downpour, staring backwards at the long line of headlights pointed toward me and beyond to higher ground. I watched the cars as they got caught up, turned around, then disappeared into the mass of water, trees, and debris churning in my direction.

Soon it was upon me.

I heard an incredible crushing noise, was thrown backwards, and all went dark.

The disaster, they say, occurred when the Spring Hollow Reservoir’s dam gave way and the man-made lake’s entire contents coursed downstream. But a few that survived, those who landed where I did, know different. This was no accident of fate, no error in engineering, and no coincidence.

I washed up at the familiar Mill Mountain Overlook, beneath its now-darkened neon star, and we were the first to see the New Roanoke Sea after the clouds parted and the sun shone through once more.

One man, wearing a black leather jacket and tattered blue jeans, stood silently at the railing watching his handiwork. He had done it once before, only once, and had sworn to an ancient people that he would never to do it again. But this valley, this people, and all of their broken promises warranted an exception.

Later that day a rainbow appeared over the New Roanoke Sea, not as a promise this time, but as a warning.

“With our basketball team in the final four for the first time in history, now is a perfect time to announce this shift in focus,” said University President Alan Merten. “It’s important for us to adapt to America’s diminishing interest in education and learning, and this is an excellent way for us to continue to justify our existence.”

All students in current GMU academic programs are being instructed by school officials to either complete their degrees before the end of the year, join a GMU sports team, or transfer to an expensive private school that still values academic study.

Following publication of the cartoon in the New York Times and other major newspapers, angry American citizens—including many followers of radical Christian televangelists—took to the streets, beating atheists and moderates who had turned out in support of free speech.

“This is a sad day,” said Jerry Falwell, a prominent Christian leader. “It is a truly sad day when newspapers see fit to publish such vile filth, and claim protection of ‘free press’ and ‘free speech.’ Followers of Jesus must stand up for what is right, and bring a righteous vengeance upon those who draw and publish this blasphemy.”

This move is expected to improve accessibility to CNN’s news and information services in Compton, as well as other urban areas throughout the United States, however the impact in rural and suburban communities may counteract any gains for the news network.

Visit CNN.com.

“…Our mission is to organize the world’s information and make it useful and accessible to our users. But any piece of information’s usefulness derives, to a depressing degree, from the cognitive ability of the user who’s using it. That’s why we’re pleased to announce Google Gulp (BETA)™ with Auto-Drink™ (LIMITED RELEASE), a line of “smart drinks” designed to maximize your surfing efficiency by making you more intelligent, and less thirsty.”