If I could turn back the clock
It would be third-period government
Second week of senior year
And you’d have just said hi
With the meeting of our eyes
And not a hint of all the anger or the lies

But I’d have never learned to question
All the passing glances and stares
I’d have never seen what honesty I need
I’d have never understood that hearts
Can only fail without the mind

But if I go back in time
That love that we both shared
Would still be going nowhere
Going nowhere

And you’d have just said hi
With the meeting of our eyes
And not a hint of all the anger or the lies

But I’d have never learned to question
All the passing glances and stares
I’d have never seen what honesty I need
I’d have never understood that hearts
Can only fail without the mind

And so what if you really loved me
Love could never save us from our minds
From your mind

Happy couples
All around
Like the walls are closing in
Not a sound
Not a thought
Nothing but a world of sin
Happy couples
In the bed
Thoughts I don’t need right now
In my head
Not a thought
Can’t help but wonder how
Incoherent
Apology
Damned if I’m forgiving you today
Final free
Escapes me
Is there any more to say?
Happy couples
All around
Like the walls are closing in

I’m finding it hard to believe somehow
The things that you say to me
What is it that you think you’ve found?
What is it you see?
Why would you ever waste your time
On me?

Call me manic-depressive
Or say that I’m insane
Just please don’t leave me standing
Out here in the rain
Out here in the rain

Baby, you’re so perfect
You’re everything I want
How am I supposed to know
This isn’t a cold-hearted taunt
What is it you want?

And if you think you can take it
If you truly want to try
My door is always open
And I cannot tell a lie

Call me manic-depressive
Or say that I’m insane
Just please don’t leave me standing
Out here in the rain
Out here in the rain

Maybe I can hope
That you will side my way
Maybe I can hope
To make it through a day
Without you, without you

Maybe I can hope
For you to hold me near
Maybe I can hope
You’ll take away my fears
I love you, I need you

Why are you running away?!

Maybe I can hope
This isn’t just a game
Maybe I can hope
You are not just the same
As the others, all the others

Maybe I can hope
That it’ll be okay
Maybe I can hope
For nothing else to say
But I love you, I need you

Why are you running away?

Cruising uncharted territory
Never felt like this before
I wonder if I’ll win your love
Can you feel for me
The way I feel for you
Will I ever be good enough?

When I’m with you
It feels so right
Is there any way this can be wrong?
If I’m lucky
If you love me
I’ll finally write happier songs

Cruising uncharted territory
Never felt like this before
I wonder if I’ll win your love
Can you feel for me
The way I feel for you
Will I ever be good enough?

Everything, nothing
All at the same time
That’s what’s wrong with me
I need you
Can’t have you
Is this what’s meant to be?
He says he doesn’t want to lose you
But I don’t want to never have you

Everything, nothing
Songs that do not rhyme
Is that what I need?
I love you
Can’t have you
Is this what’s meant to be?
He says he doesn’t want to lose you
But I don’t want to never have you

You told me to write about
Our situation
And told me to tell you
What I want
But I think deep down you know
Just what I’m thinking
Deep down you know
You’re what I want

With brutal honesty I’ll tell you
I want you by my side
I want you to leave the one you’ve got
You aren’t happy with him
And you’ll never be, because
You should be with me

Everything I need to say
Has been said
And the ball rests quietly
In your court
The time is long past
For your final decision
Please save me from complicated
Confusion of sorts

With brutal honesty I’ll tell you
I want you by my side
I want you to leave the one you’ve got
You aren’t happy with him
And you’ll never be, because
You should be with me

But songs won’t change your heart

Lost moments, dreams
Things I’ll never have
But pass within mere
Inches of attaining
Have I lost the edge?
Is this how it’s to be?
I’ve got wild staring eyes
And a strong urge to fly

But there’s nowhere
Left to
Fly to
And I fear I now know
What it’s like
To stay straight-faced
While I cry

Elegance, hate
Things I fear I have
Passed within mere inches
Of control
Have I lost the light?
Is this how it is?
I’ve got wild burning eyes
And I need to fly

But there’s nowhere
Left to
Fly to
And I fear I now know
What it’s like
To stay straight-faced
While I cry

Can you stay
Straight-faced
While I cry?

Standing by in wait for time
To come to me
Standing by in wait for you
To see
Can’t stand but stand in wait for life
To help me breathe
And once again I wait for you
To need

Shortness of breath
Can’t you see what you do to me?
Can’t you see?
Can’t you see?
Can’t you see?

-~-

I just don’t want to

Does anger lead to elegance?
Does laughter lead to tears?
Does love lead to suffering?
Or thinking lead to fears?
Does caring lead to hatred?
Compassion lead to lust?
Does life lead to lost todays?
Are simple fears still just?

I surrender
Take these tears from me
I surrender
Until the blind can see

Do I lead to controversy?
Do you lead to pain?
Do these things you hear,
From me drive you insane?
Am I lost in lunacy,
Beneath your silhouette?
Am I left in solitude,
Mem’ries of soft breaths?

I surrender
Take these tears from me
I surrender
What do you want from me?

Vague familiarities ease into my mind
And I forgot how much I hate haiku
I’m trying to keep my mind focused
But all I can think about is you
You confuse me like no one else
And yet you take away my pain
The more I try to think about it
The more I slip into insane

I’m still hopelessly confused
And I still hate haiku
It seems to me I’ve fallen in love
And I know not what to do

Words still flow from mind onto paper
Although I seem to’ve lost control
I wonder if what I say matters
Or what’s going on in my soul?
You’re always here when I need you
But yet I still feel all alone
And when I’m safe here in your arms
I feel I’m going home

I’m still hopelessly confused
And I still hate haiku
It seems to me I’ve fallen in love
And I know not what to do

Will you still love me tomorrow
The way you love me today?
Will you still hold me tomorrow
If I run out of words to say
How I feel today?

Will you still touch me tomorrow
If I don’t quite make you laugh?
Will you still help me tomorrow
If I’m still haunted by the past?
Free at last?

I’ll love you as long as you let me
As long as you would like
I will love you through the end of time
When when you finally see the light
How I see the light

Will you still love me tomorrow
If I run out of words to say?
Will you still love me tomorrow
The way I love you today?
I love you today

How many times
Can I open my heart
And be broken
How many times
Can I open my heart
And be hurt
How many times
Can I open my heart
For you to break it again?

How many times
Can I open my heart
And be crushed
How many times
Can I open my heart
And be ripped apart
How many times
Can I open my heart
For you to break it again?

How many times
How many times
How many times do you want me
To come crawling back?

How many times
Can I open my heart
For you to break it again?

I can’t possibly imagine how you’re feeling
I could never quite know what it’s like
To tell everyone long-kept secrets
To finally nail that spike
I could never fill your shoes
And all I can do is try to help
But you’re crying here in another’s arms
I’m selfishly going through hell

I think I would’ve loved to love you
I think I would’ve loved to be held
I think I would love to see tomorrow
Without going through this hell

I shouldn’t be feeling like this now
When you’re the one in so much pain
Having to watch you go through it
God, it’s driving me insane
I wish I could be more help
I wish I knew what was right
And while you’re here in another’s arms
I’ll cry silently tonight

I know I would’ve loved to love you
I know I would’ve loved to hold
I know that I want to see tomorrow
Without having to know this cold

Did you lie to the man
In your life now
Like you lied to me before?
Does he know how you hurt me?
Does he know how you are?

Girl, I don’t know what to say anymore
And I know that you don’t care anymore
There’s a yearning deep inside of me
But you ain’t gonna set me free
But I know I love you

Truth and lies and lies and lies

There’s a time for love and a time for hate
Break the promises you make
I’m not perfect, this is true
But I’m a hell of a lot close than you
But I know I love you

Truth and lies and lies and lies

I don’t care, no, I don’t care
No I don’t care what you think any more
I don’t need your thanks or praise
No nothing from you anymore
Why don’t you just leave me alone,
I don’t need you
I don’t need you at all
And if I’m so f###ing important,
Then why won’t you call?!

Truth and lies and lies and lies

Girl, I don’t know what to say anymore
Sometimes I think you’re special, sometimes a whore
There’s a yearning deep inside of me
So why won’t you just set me free
And I know I love you

Soft thoughts summon me
To endless sleep
Anger towards the girl I once loved
Dirty crown above the ground
Around we cannot hear
The angels’ sound

I cannot re-live you
I cannot forgive you or forget you
Darkness lightens
Females frighten

Soft thoughts summon me
To endless sleep
These things I think
Are things I keep

When thoughts about the ones
Who got away
Envelop the mind within a heart
And when you search the confines
Of weary souls
And don’t find anything there
Nothing here
No more fear

Weigh the powers of heart and mind
Until you’re gone
Don’t assume you understand it all
Have you found the answers you’ve
Been searching for
Or lost yourself within this false promise land
Nothing here
No more fear

Is loneliness a replacement for love?
What if you can’t find either one
Alone but unable to pin down the feelings
Nothing here
No more fear

Soft thoughts fall upon deaf ears
Deep thoughts sink into the depths
Wandering silently in the moonlight
Take a breath
Can you see what it missing here?
Do you know what we’ve lost?
We have all made our decisions
At what cost?

So what do you want from me?
Who do you breathe and what do you need
What do you want from me?

I try not to think things I feel
Try to keep it all compartmentalized
Trying to keep my eyes closed to the pain
So realize
Do the pieces ever come together?
Does the puzzle actually fit?
I wonder just what’s going on
Think about it

So what do you want from me?
Who do you breathe and what do you need
What do you want from me?

Finally we come to the end of the line
We try to erase the lies and the sin
Maybe if we pretend it never happened
What a trend
Time has run out on life again
It’s becoming hard to breathe
I cannot trust in a happy ending
Can’t believe

Baby you’ve got the groove
To make me move
You’ve got the face
To make my heart race
You’ve got the eyes
To light my skies
With fires of passion
That soon grow ashen

Baby you’ve got the hands
To put you in command
You’ve got the legs
That spread like the plague
You’ve got the heart
To tear me all apart
With fires of passion
That soon grow ashen

Baby you’ve got the hands
To put you in command
You’ve got the legs
That spread like the plague
You’ve got the heart
To tear me
To tear me apart

Baby you’ve got the groove
To make me move
Baby you’ve got the groove
To make me move
To make me move

From dawn until dusk
I deal with the lust
Didn’t really know what I’d missed
Strange tinglings within
The lies and the sin
For a time, in this kiss

Can’t hear these words
See my tears
Helping me through
My childish fears
This time I’m here
Won’t make mistakes
But you push me
Until I break?
I’m holding dear to life
Searching for my endless sky
I’m drowning within my doubt

Trying to hold
To breaking waves
Can I believe
I will be saved
Please help me through
My childish fears
And in the end
These songs we’ll hear

From dawn until dusk
I fight the lust
And now I know what I’ve missed
Strange tinglings within
The lies and the sin
For a time, in this kiss

Games, games that you play
I cannot stand the things you say
Please, leave me alone
Don’t message me, or call me on the phone
‘Cause I don’t like the things you do
And I don’t need to fall for you
And I just do not wish to fight
Late into the starry night

Help, help me please
Save my soul, fulfill my needs
And when you’ve finally done these deeds
Don’t run off ’cause I need you to breathe
But I don’t like the things you do
And I don’t need to fall for you
Don’t dissect my heart or soul
All you’ll find is a black hole

Games, games you play
I wish there was some more for me to say
And when I get to be alone
I find myself just waiting for the phone
I still don’t like the things you do
But I already fell for you
And so I lay down in my bed
I can’t erase you from my head

She holds your hand
She kissed your cheek
She hugs you close
Been a long week
She laughs and smiles
You know she’s there
She’s got blue eyes
And I don’t care

I don’t want to see you
I don’t want to see you
Wrap your arms around her
I don’t want to see her
I don’t want to see her
Wrap her legs around you
I don’t want to hear you
Whispering in each others’ ear
Don’t want to see you crying
When she’s through and leaves you here

She’ll marry a music man
Guitarist or piano
She might invite me
She may not ask me
Just the way I feel

I don’t want to see you
I don’t want to see you
Wrap your arms around her
I don’t want to see her
I don’t want to see her
Wrap her legs around you
I don’t want to hear you
Whispering in each others’ ear
Don’t want to see you crying
When she’s through and leaves you here

She’ll take his ring
And he’ll take hers
They’ll walk away into
His false emotion
And someday when she knows
She should’ve run to me

I’ll say I’m sorry
But she won’t know
I can’t vouch for me
But she belongs alone

When I look into your eyes
I can see you the day we met
And that same shiver runs up my spine
When I look into your eyes
I want to feel you in my arms
Want to feel your every breath on my neck
When I look into your eyes
I can’t deny the feelings
I’ve been hiding for so long

No man could love you more than I
No man could need you more than this
Sometimes I feel I’m in a prison
And you could set me free with just one kiss

When I look into your eyes
I have dreams of your soft love
That I know will never come true
When I look into your eyes
I wish you felt like this for me
Wish you even loved me at all
But when I look into your eyes
I can’t deny the feelings
I’ve been hiding for so long

No man could love you more than I
No man could need you more than this
Sometimes I feel I’m in a prison
And you could set me free with just one kiss

Your eyes watch me, searching
Waiting for my upcoming mistake
Your cold stares attempt to cloud
My thoughts that you believe fake
You bet on how long ’til the burnout
How many songs do I still hold within?
No fear can overpower that look in your eyes
Immersed within lies, sin

Do you bury emotions so deep
To keep them safe, and clean?
Are you aiming to tear me apart?

Your eyes search me, watching
You know that one day I’ll crack
I may have found many answers
Yet still…something lacks
You bet that this won’t last forever
And sometimes I think you are right
Is bitterness support for lost causes
Lost within this silent night?

Do you bury emotions so deep
To keep them safe, and clean?
Are you aiming to tear me apart?

Is your sanity excuse for your sadness?
Are you searching for something in me?
Is there something that still escapes you
So blind that you just can’t see?
That look in your eyes can still haunt me
And you know that I’ve made mistakes
And even if one day I break down
You know that my thoughts are not fake

Do you bury emotions so deep
To keep them safe, and clean
Are you aiming to tear me apart?

When all the residue slips away
And my walls fall down
Will you be ready for the passion
That I hide within
When I am ready to show you
Just how I feel
Will you still be around?
I’ve never been so confused
Never wanted to do what you want me to do
…except with you
Have I lost my chance?
Was it an opportunity missed?
How did it come to this?
God, how did it come to this?

ARE YOU HOLDING DEAR TO FAITH?
Can you justify what we’ve done today?

Don’t make me call you beautiful
Dig myself a hole
Don’t make me fall in love
Give away my soul
Don’t make me care for you
Put up with all your s###
Please don’t make me need you
‘Cause I will in just a bit

Don’t make me do this again
Don’t make me need you again

Don’t make me look at you
The special way I do
Please don’t make me fall again
I’m so good at falling for you
Please don’t make me want you
Make me end up all alone
Don’t ever let me hold you
‘Cause I’m meant to be alone

Don’t make me do this again
Don’t make me need you again

It’s been a while since I had seen you there
With windy eyes and flowers in your hair
You wondered where the promise lay
You haggled all the words you say
Because you knew there’s right and then there’s wrong

You see the light in darkness
And we all know there’s something better in together
So hide the broken candles
And we can light them all
With one last spark

a) Five Minutes Later

Well f### you too
It isn’t my life
What’s best for you doesn’t matter
As long as you’re happy
Or at least think you are
So think you love the bastard
This he’s what you need
This of me as just a friend
As long as you think of me

Well f### you too
I do not care
It isn’t worth it anymore
I no longer have the will
To hold back these tears
I’ve been hiding for you

b) Two Hours Later

But I’m thinking a little clearer now
Only a little bit
And I know nothing has changed
The songs will never change
Your heart will never change
I can never change
Because you’re so beautiful
Because I need you so
And yet he has your heart
Selfish; he doesn’t care for you
As long as he’s happy
And thinks you’ll keep him that way

I’m too damned tired
And there are no second chances
Anymore ~

c) One Hour After That

And I dream those words are true
But somehow you know they aren’t
And I’ll keep opening this door for you
Until I can force myself to stop
Or you walk in —

I wish I could stop
Why can’t I stop?
Why?

d) The Next Day

It doesn’t matter anymore
What you think of me
I really couldn’t care less
But somehow, I know I’m lying
Because you effect me so
You hurt me so
Are you addicted to leading me on?

I could pretend you don’t matter
Pretend I don’t care
Pretend that everything is okay
But you know it’s bulls###
Because you are the BS queen
These free-verse songs
Are running together in my head
And I know that you don’t care

She told me she could be the one
Told me that she cared
She told me she’d be by my side
No matter how things fared
She told me that she loved me
Said she needed me
She told me that I made her happy
Close my eyes so I can’t see

She hides from me, she lies to me
She goes to school, she’s beautiful
Her hair is blonde, she’ll sing a song
If you ask nicely
Her stares are icy
And she was the American Ideal

She told me she’d take care of me
Never go away
She told me that she’d help me if
The world got in the way
She told me that she loved me
Forced me to believe
She told me that I made her happy
But never dreamed the dream

She loves me and she runs from me
She’s never there, as if I care
And with a frown she’ll break you down
If you ask nicely
She’ll break you nightly
And she was the American Ideal

Nothing real.

I’m tired of doing
The same s### over and over
I’m tired of all the
Broken hearts
I’m tired of believing
“This time’ll be different”
Tired of keeping this
Open mind
F### it all
I can’t take no more
F### it all
Don’t want to be alone

I’m tired of falling
For all the lies they tell
I’m tired of all the
False starts
I’m tired of believing
All the things they say
So tired of all this
Bull-s###
F### it all
I won’t take this no more
F### it all
I’ll always be alone

Is it a victory?
Is it a defeat?
Have I lost a love
Or kept a friend?
Have we gotten closer
Or drifted apart?

I thought somehow that maybe
We could be more than just friends
But in victorious defeat
What shall be in the end?

Am I alone?
I am confused
Friends or more?
Loves or less?
Is it a defeat?
Is it a victory?

In another patented delusion
I had hoped for a different end
But it’s the typical way it goes
We’ve ended up ‘just friends’

Is that a victory?
Another broken heart
Is that a victory?
Just another false start

Why don’t you talk to me anymore?
I feel all we had shriveling
To die and leave us here
Without the friendship we had
You promised that you wouldn’t
Let this happen to us
God, how’d this happen to us?

There’s somethin’ in the air
And you don’t know what it is
And now I feel haunted
By the memory of a kiss
And tomorrow you’ll forget me
How did it come to this?
And I still wanted
To be friends

Why don’t you talk to me anymore
When you said no matter what
We’d always have what we had
Was I was a fool to trust you again?
We told ourselves we’d never
Let this happen to us
God, how’d this happen to us?

There’s somethin’ in the air
And you don’t know what it is
And now I feel haunted
By the memory of a kiss
And tomorrow you’ll forget me
How did it come to this?
And I still wanted
To be friends

So girl, why don’t you talk to me anymore?
The semesters are changed and I don’t see you anymore
Your glances now seem chilled right to the core
So this is what you meant by friends forever?

Sometimes I find myself wondering
What might have been
Yet it’s just a passing curiosity
Sometimes I find myself thinking
What I might be missing
But I know I have more than I’ve ever wanted
Without having you

Sometimes I find myself wondering
If we’ll ever be close again
Like when we were inseparable friends
Sometimes I find myself thinking
That it’s all a hopeless cause

Sometimes I find myself wondering
What might have been
Yet it’s just a passing curiosity
Sometimes I find myself thinking
What I might be missing
But I know I have more than I’ve ever wanted
Without having you

Tabatha’s got a secret
Got a brand new kind of life
Tabatha’s got a secret
She may be wrong; she’s got the right
Tabatha’s got a reason
God knows she always does
Tabatha’s got a secret
And she wears black-rubber gloves

And she lives in all of you here
God knows she’s not alone
She hides behind the faces
All the loves you’ve ever known
Her cold and feigned emotion
Her false desires, devotions
Tabatha’s got a secret
Hiding in you

Tabatha’s got a secret
Got a brand new ball and chain
Tabatha’s got a secret
When she remembers all their names
Tabatha’s got a conscience
She swears she always does
Tabatha’s got a secret
And she wears black-rubber gloves

And she lives in all of you here
God knows she’s not alone
She hides behind the faces
All the loves you’ve ever known
Her cold and feigned emotion
Her false desires, devotions
Tabatha’s got a secret
Hiding in you

It was a bad pop song with an incessant beat
One of those people I just had to meet
Rough and tumble, random lovin’, senior year in Bedford
No dumb blonde here, conniving little slut
Takes what she wants and turns the rest to dust

But I’m still standin’
Here on my own two feet
Solid matter, iron will
Damaged but not forgotten
Damaged but not forgotten

Under all the fluff you were barely even alive
Hiding all the photos when someone new arrives
Tried and true the old routine worked well for you
But three years down the road what’ve you got?
A pile of dust and a body full of rot

But I’m still standin’
Here on my own two feet
Solid matter, iron will
Damaged but not forgotten
Damaged but not forgotten

Tabbycat came with nine lives
But now she’s mostly dead to me

Here in the shadows, it’s a dark day
Hollow promises left in the cold
So I chase it, oh I chase it
Because it’s soft and pleasant to hold

And it fades, fades away

Like lightning
The air crackles
The pulse quickens and
That’s the way I loved you

The way I always will
It fades away

Here in the gutters, it’s a cold day
It’s one of those, down-to-the-bones
And it’s tiring, oh so tiring
To know what it’s like to be alone

So it fades, fades away

Like thunder
The windows shake
The lights flicker and
That’s the way I loved you

The way I always will
It fades away

I’ve been waiting a good while
For you to make me smile
But you couldn’t, even if you tried
After the hurt, the use, the lies
So this is my last song for you

I offered you the universe
And you cursed me in return
I tried to make you smile
So I gave up after a while
And this is my last song…

Time after time I tried
To make things right with me and you
I don’t believe you ever saw me cry
Or ever saw me try
But this is my last song for you

I know in a twisted way you blame
The remnants of me, just the same
You know the feeling of being used
You know the taste of your own abuse
And this is my last song…

Don’t blame me
Don’t blame me
For your self-inflicted pain
Don’t blame me
Don’t blame me
I know you will, just the same

Time after time I tried
To make things right with me and you
I don’t believe you ever saw me cry
Or ever saw me try
But this is my last song for you

Time after time I tried
I tried and tried and tried
Time after time I tried
To sing my last song for you

Sometimes I still think of what you said
The promises you made, meant to keep,
Still rattle round and round inside my head
So I wonder how you sleep
Sometimes I still dream about you, baby
The picture-perfect life that we believed
You wanted me to come, “don’t say maybe”
But I have been deceived

So make that call
Tell me that you’re sorry
Say goodbye, baby
Say goodbye

You bumble inanely one line to the next
And hope your last one never catches you
So maybe it’s been workin for the best
Maybe I’ve got a line on you
Sometimes I still think about your voices
Callin’ to me on a young man’s phone
And through the illusions of easy choices
I was left nothing but alone

So make that call
Tell me that you’re sorry
Say goodbye, baby
Say goodbye

And I’m sure you’re shining on
Another diamond light in a charcoal sky
And I’m sure you’re moving on
To another choice, another voice, another…

I’m not going to say it this time.

Sometimes I still think of what you said
The promises you might have meant to keep
They rattle round and round inside my head
I still wonder how you sleep
Sometimes I still dream about you, baby
In weaker moments when I’m feeling down
Think I’ll answer when you call? Maybe
But I don’t need you around

So make that call
Tell me that you’re sorry
Say goodbye, baby
Say goodbye

God bless you
And the things you’ve taught me
To the end
Who can decide the rights and wrongs?
Help me
To see what I’ve left behind
And what is yet ahead

Blessed end
Is this the time to move on?
To defend
Those who need defense
Maybe
Maybe I’ve made some mistakes
Many yet to make

Blessed end, blessed end
You will be missed
Until I come back again