Comedians’ Quotes

Funny people saying funny things . . . what could go wrong?

The mystery of government is not how it works, but how to make it stop. — P. J. O’Rourke

Once I conquer Finland, I’ll head south through the Baltics and on to Belarus. Soon, all the world will find me mildly amusing. — Conan O’Brien

But eventually I came to accept the truth: I am overweight. This is not my fault. My body, without consulting me, has been converting the food I eat into fat, as opposed to something I can actually use, such as toothpaste. — Dave Barry

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. — Mel Brooks

The more you read and observe about this politics thing, you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other. — Will Rogers

I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat! — Will Rogers

I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

In three months I’ve gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I’m headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly. — Conan O’Brien

Okay, so I lost The Tonight Show, but I’ll show them…I’ll stop shaving. — Conan O’Brien