You’ll notice our fancy dolphin gate motif . . . that indicates that we eat dolphins.
— Chris Schaab
You can call me a fat, balding, talentless old queen who can’t sing . . . but you can’t tell lies about me.
— Elton John
The mystery of government is not how it works, but how to make it stop.
— P. J. O’Rourke
I think the American people want a solemn ass as a President, and I think I’ll go along with them.
— President Calvin Coolidge (R)
Asking an artist to talk about his work is like asking a plant to discuss horticulture.
— Jean Cocteau
I hate flowers—I paint them because they’re cheaper than models and they don’t move.
— Georgia O’Keeffe
If only people knew as much about painting as I do, they would never buy my pictures.
— Sir Edwin Landseer
Some people say that I must be a terrible person, but it’s not true. I have the heart of a young boy…in a jar on my desk.
— Stephen King
History will be kind to me for I intend to write it.
— Sir Winston Churchill
Writing, is not necessarily something to be ashamed of—but do it in private and wash your hands afterwards.
— Robert A. Heinlein
Driving a Porsche in London is like bringing a Ming vase to a football game.
— Douglas Adams
Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds.
— Douglas Adams
Once I conquer Finland, I’ll head south through the Baltics and on to Belarus. Soon, all the world will find me mildly amusing.
— Conan O’Brien
It has been said that politics is the second oldest profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.
— President Ronald Reagan (R)
The first of April is the day we remember what we are the other 364 days of the year.
— Mark Twain
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work . . . I want to achieve it through not dying.
— Woody Allen
Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts.
— Jonathan Rauch
Animal rescue personnel now believe the sea lion may have been disoriented because of the bullet in the back of its skull.
— Associated Press
But eventually I came to accept the truth: I am overweight. This is not my fault. My body, without consulting me, has been converting the food I eat into fat, as opposed to something I can actually use, such as toothpaste.
— Dave Barry
This Universe never did make sense; I suspect that it was built on government contract.
— Robert A. Heinlein, The Number of the Beast
You can blow thousands of people’s heads off with a semi-automatic machine gun [in American movies] but you can’t show a picture of my willy.
— Ewan McGregor
On the other hand, if you’re just starting out as a writer, you could do worse than strip your television’s electric plug-wire, wrap a spike around it, and then stick it back into the wall. See what blows, and how far. Just an idea.
— Stephen King
I may have invented it [Ctrl-Alt-Del], but Microsoft made it popular.
— David Bradley, IBM
‘Who Let the Dogs Out’ is better than all the songs Ms. [Celine] Dion has recorded, put together.
— Stephen King
I am the whitest man in America. No rhythm whatsoever. If I were going to be a rapper, my name would be DW Toast—Dry White Toast.
— Jon Bon Jovi
Hell is other people.
— Jean-Paul Sartre
You know, in China they say, ‘The thinner the chopsticks, the higher the social status.’ Of course, I got the thinnest I could find. That’s why people hate me.
— Martha Stewart
Build a man a fire, and he’ll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
— Terry Pratchett
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
— Vice President Dan Quayle (R)
What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
— Mayor Marion Barry (D-DC)
640 K[ilobytes] ought to be enough for anybody.
— Bill Gates
Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
— Mel Brooks
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
— Frank Zappa
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.
— Albert Einstein
I could just hear the swirling through the windows going . . . pheioooi pghoowo [sic].
— Mary Mason, WSET.com
When you sit with a nice girl for two hours, it seems like two minutes. When you sit on a hot stove for two minutes, it seems like two hours. That’s relativity.
— Albert Einstein
A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.
— David Brink
A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, conn a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, balance accounts, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze new problems, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly. Specialization is for insects.
— Robert A. Heinlein, Time Enough for Love
The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.
— Tom Clancy
I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.
— Mark Twain
All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.
— Ambrose Pierce
The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don’t have it.
— George Bernard Shaw
Do not take life too seriously, you will never get out of it alive.
— Elbert Hubbard
After two years in Washington, I often long for the realism and sincerity of Hollywood.
— Senator Fred Thompson (R-TN)
A liberal is a conservative who hasn’t been mugged yet.
— Frank Rizzo
The things Congress does best are nothing and overreacting.
— Ambassador Tom Korologos
Government doesn’t solve problems, it subsidizes them.
— President Ronald Reagan (R)
One way to make sure crime doesn’t pay would be to let the government run it.
— President Ronald Reagan (R)
The only thing that saves us from the bureaucracy is its inefficiency.
— Senator Eugene McCarthy (D-MN)
A statesman is a politician who’s been dead for ten or fifteen years.
— President Harry S Truman (D)
The more you read and observe about this politics thing, you’ve got to admit that each party is worse than the other.
— Will Rogers
The last time I spoke for only twelve minutes was when I said hello to my mother.
— Vice President Hubert Humphrey (D)
[President Bill Clinton (D)] has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
— George Stephanopolous
I’m not a member of any organized political party, I’m a Democrat!
— Will Rogers
In America, anybody can be president. That’s one of the risks you take.
— Governor Adlai Stevenson (D-IL)
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.
— Sec. of State Henrey Kissinger (R)
I would have made a good Pope.
— President Richard Nixon (R)
A monarch’s neck should always have a noose around it. It keeps him upright.
— Robert A. Heinlein
I hate it when reality steals my plots.
— Scott Bradford
Yes, college is still hell, only separated from High School by the middle-level of Wisdom Tooth Removal (which is not as fun as college, but MUCH more fun than High School).
— Scott Bradford
When I say ‘follow your heart,’ it’s actually shorthand for ‘follow your heart unless your brain makes a reasonable objection.’
— Scott Bradford
I was walking around one day trying to figure out what the meaning of life was. I figured it was something that would come to me easily while walking around, but I didn’t actually figure it out until I sat down.
— Scott Bradford
With the return of school I’ve gotten back into my stressed-out cycle. In this cycle I go back and forth between ‘OH MY GOD I HAVE A MILLION THINGS TO DO!’ and ‘Ah, screw it.’
— Scott Bradford
It seems not many of them have changed their stripes, they remain the same twisted squiggles they’ve always been.
— Scott Bradford
[Virginia Tech] only gets any attention because of its flocks of jocks without educational qualification slamming into similar bunches from other schools (this process is known in the United States as ‘Football’).
— Scott Bradford
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
— Douglas Adams
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
— Will Rogers
Hearing nuns’ confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.
— Venerable Fulton Sheen
It isn’t that liberals are ignorant. It’s just that they know so much that isn’t so.
— President Ronald Reagan (R)
In three months I’ve gone from network television to Twitter to performing live in theaters, and now I’m headed to basic cable. My plan is working perfectly.
— Conan O’Brien
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen…. We’ve got a small problem in that all four engines [on this plane] have failed. We’re doing our utmost to get them going, and I trust you’re not in too much distress.
— Capt. Eric Moody, British Airways
There’s an old saying in Tennessee…I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee…that says, fool me once, shame on…shame on you. Fool me…you can’t get fooled again.
— President George W. Bush (R)
Okay, so I lost The Tonight Show, but I’ll show them…I’ll stop shaving.
— Conan O’Brien
I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.
— Douglas Adams
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.
— John Kenneth Galbraith
Earnestness is just stupidity sent to college.
— P. J. O’Rourke
I like to do my principal research in bars, where people are more likely to tell the truth or, at least, lie less convincingly than they do in briefings and books.
— P. J. O’Rourke
To grasp the true meaning of socialism, imagine a world where everything is designed by the post office, even the sleaze.
— P. J. O’Rourke
The whole idea of our government is this: If enough people get together and act in concert, they can take something and not pay for it.
— P. J. O’Rourke
You can’t get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That’s all you need to know about communism.
— P. J. O’Rourke
…in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.
— Benjamin Franklin
As a youth I prayed, ‘Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.’
— Saint Augustine of Hippo
The protection in FOIA against disclosure of law enforcement information on the ground that it would constitute an unwarranted invasion of personal privacy does not extend to corporations. We trust that AT&T will not take it personally.
— Chief Justice John Roberts, United States Supreme Court
If anybody ever says you’re ‘smart as a whip,’ remember this: whips are inanimate objects that do not possess any intelligence whatsoever.
— Scott Bradford
Everywhere I go I’m asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don’t stifle enough of them.
— Flannery O’Connor
There’s no device known to mankind that will prevent people from being idiots.
— Mark Rasch
The more project management you do the less likely your project is to succeed.
— Douglas Merrill, Google
The rabbit’s tail looks like it’s made of cotton because if the tail looked like it was made of polyester, everybody would assume that the rabbit was artificial.
— Scott Bradford
If God can work through me, He can work through anyone.
— Saint Francis of Assisi
History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
— Abba Eban
Success requires a persistent misreading of the odds.
— Tom Peters
Occasionally he stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened.
— Sir Winston Churchill
[President Theodore] Roosevelt’s [R] all right, but he’s got no more use for the Constitution than a tomcat has for a marriage license.
— Representative Joe Cannon (R-IL 18th)
[President William] McKinley [R] has his ear so close to the ground it’s always full of grasshoppers.
— Representative Joe Cannon (R-IL 18th)
You know, Gina, Apple [Computer Inc.] is like a ship. That ship is loaded with treasure, but there’s a hole in the ship. And my job is to get everyone to row in the same direction.
— Gil Amelio
The feminists hate me, don’t they? And I don’t blame them. For I hate feminism. It is poison.
— Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher (United Kingdom)
We can categorically state that we have not released man-eating badgers into the area.
— Major Mike Shearer, UK Military Spokesman, BBC News Report
The fact that some geniuses were laughed at does not imply that all who are laughed at are geniuses. They laughed at Columbus, they laughed at Fulton, they laughed at the Wright brothers. But they also laughed at Bozo the Clown.
— Carl Sagan, Broca’s Brain
If you wish to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first invent the universe.
— Carl Sagan, Cosmos
Other things being equal, it is better to be smart than to be stupid.
— Carl Sagan, Cosmos
There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.
— Ernest Hemingway
I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.
— G.K. Chesterton
Some people are so politically oriented, when they see cornflakes in a bowl, they get some complex interpretation out of it.
— Clint Eastwood
Judging God by human political categories is like judging a great symphony on which stanza of ‘Mary Had a Little Lamb’ it most resembles.
— Peter Kreeft and Ronald K. Tacelli, Handbook of Christian Apologetics
If you call a horse’s tail a leg, how many legs does a horse have? The answer is four, because calling a horse’s tail a leg doesn’t make it one.
— Unknown
The great mass of ordinary commonplace men of dull imagination who simply vote under the party symbol and whom it is almost as difficult to stir by any appeal to the higher emotions and intelligence as it would be to stir so many cattle.
— President Theodore Roosevelt (R)
The one certain way to invite disaster is to be opulent, offensive, and unarmed.
— President Theodore Roosevelt (R)
Bill Gates has always told me if I had been born, you know, many thousands of years ago, I’d have been some animal’s lunch because I can’t run very fast, I can’t climb trees, and some animal would be chasing me and I would say, Well, I allocate capital. The animal would say, Those are the kind that taste the best.
— Warren Buffett
Arithmetic is not an opinion.
— Unknown
We have a treaty that says we have to defend Taiwan in the event that it is attacked by China. The only problem is that we would now have to borrow the money from China to do it.
— Unidentified Deficit Commission Member, (as recorded in ‘That Used to Be Us’ by Thomas Friedman and Michael Mandelbaum)
If you can’t translate it into words a fisherman would understand, you don’t understand it yourself.
— Peter Kreeft and Ronald K. Tacelli, Handbook of Christian Apologetics
In El Paso, the people are homicidal but orthodox.
— President Theodore Roosevelt (R)
[British Ambassador Sir Mortimer Durand] seems to have a brain of about eight guinea-pig power.
— President Theodore Roosevelt (R)
I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life and no idea how college was going to help me figure it out. And here I was spending all of the money my parents had saved their entire life. So I decided to drop out and trust that it would all work out okay.
— Steve Jobs
I will solve your problem, and you will pay me. You can use what I produce, or not, but I will not do options, and either way you will pay me.
— Paul Rand
Some people resent the fact that Steve [Jobs] gets credit for everything, but I’ve never given a rat’s ass about that. Frankly speaking, I’d prefer my name never be in the paper.
— Tim Cook
The Constitution does not prohibit legislatures from enacting stupid laws.
— Justice Thurgood Marshall
