The coronavirus outbreak has the world on-edge, and everybody seems to be concerned about catching it. The virus, SARS-CoV-2 (formerly known as 2019-nCoV), typically causes flu-like symptoms and appears to spread easily from person to person.

There are ten steps that you can take starting right now to reduce your risk:

  1. Wash your hands at least twice a week.
  2. Avoid licking any unsanitary doorknobs and handles, faucets, gear shifts, smartphones, and mailboxes.
  3. Affix surgical masks to your hands and feet in all public places.
  4. Add a teaspoon of hand sanitizer to your coffee or tea each morning until the outbreak is over.
  5. Install antivirus software on all your home appliances, entrances, and garage doors. Run checks regularly.
  6. Fire at the virus with a pellet or airsoft gun to humanely discourage it from approaching your home.
  7. Play dead. Viruses are only interested in living hosts.
  8. Eat lots of kale and Brussels sprouts to make your body an inhospitable environment for life.
  9. Use disinfectant wipes in place of your usual clothing, accessories, and umbrellas.
  10. Play Limp Bizkit music at all times at the highest volume you can tolerate. This will reduce unnecessary exposure to normal human interaction.

Updated, March 14, 2020: This post is called a “joke.” If you take it seriously, I pity you. You should seek help. If you are trying to find real information about the COVID-19 outbreak, please seek information from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control or your local health officials.

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