(Written for Prof. Nichols’s Composition [ENGL101] class at George Mason University.)

History has demonstrated thousands of times the importance of individuals in the shaping of events. For example, if George Washington were to be removed from American history our nation would likely not exist today, at least not in the form that it does. However, in this work, I would like to focus on an even more important shaper of events on this planet. I would like to focus on the person who created the Earth as it exists today, Professor Mel Nichols.

Today, scientists estimate that Professor Nichols initially began her project of planet creation around 1988. The first shaky attempt failed, creating a planet full of people speaking in a beautiful—yet impossibly illogical and difficult to understand—language. The inhabitants spent all of their time painting and rambling inanely at each other, and soon—much to Professor Nichols’ disappointment—the first Earth was no longer able to support itself.

So, in 1989 she began a second project. This time, bent on success, she made sure that the planet had a logical and in-depth history (all fictional, of course) and wide array of languages and people. In this diverse system, everybody could come together to maintain a somewhat functional planet. Not one to waste her first efforts, Professor Nichols included the original Earth in her new design and called it “France”.

After putting the Earth into action in mid-1990, Professor Mel Nichols implanted into every humans’ mind fictional memories and information so that we would all feel as if we’d been here for a very long time already. To observe her work in action, she created a life for herself on the planet as an English professor, as well as a web-designer for the College of Arts and Sciences at George Mason University. In-between classes, she spends her time tweaking errors in the system (like Steve Forbes, a pesky bug she’s been trying to work out for years).

Her original intent was to keep a low profile in hopes that she would be able to go about her business without generating too much attention, however in August of 1996 her status as “Supreme Creator of the Planet Earth” was discovered by then-Presidential Candidate Bob Dole. After that information was publicized, most people just went about their business and completely forgot about it.

However, some chose to become followers of Professor Nichols. This elite group, referring to itself as “Melanomists” or “Linked Courses Students” has grown today with membership numbering in the tens. Including splinter groups like Volkswagen Melanomists (believing that Professor Nichols’ yellow VW Cabriolet convertible is responsible for the creation of Earth rather than the professor herself), the Melonomist movement is quickly becoming a power in worldwide politics and cable-television programming.

After creating such classic fictional events in our history as “The Roman Empire”, “Christianity Spreads Worldwide”, “France”, “The English Monarchy”, “The American Revolution”, “Disco”, and “The Rise of Ross Perot”, Professor Mel Nichols is recognized worldwide as one of the most creative individuals to ever create the world. Nobody else could have made the sheep of humanity believe in such crazy characters as William Shakespeare, Thomas Jefferson, Ralph Nader, and John Travolta.

Those who know Professor Mel Nichols personally say things like, “Mel’s great,” “She’s a complete Democrat pinko liberal, in a good way,” and “I think that it’ll be a fun paper to write ? I hope to freak her out—just a little :-).” The classes she teaches at George Mason are interesting classes, and she keeps us guessing with her continuing shaping of world events by occasionally throwing things like Florida into otherwise simple events, like elections.

The world is a crazy place. The people are crazy, the stories are crazy, the news is crazy, and the lava-lamps are crazy. But it works, it keeps us interested, and no matter what we have to live with it anyway. So when you’re sitting around, thinking about how great living on this planet is—thank Professor Mel Nichols, “Supreme Creator of the Planet Earth”.