According to The Onion, the most reliable and useful newspaper left in America, the entire 32nd Regiment of His Majesty’s Royal British Army was found in a small wooded area outside of Carlisle, Massachusetts, Monday still fighting the Revolutionary War.

The Pentagon immediately dispatched air support to defend our sovereignty against the redcoat regiment, but ultimately called off the air raid after assurances from the United Kingdom officials that there was no invasion in progress, and the 32nd Regiment’s presence on U.S. soil did not represent an official action of the U.K. government.