Time-Traveling COVID Variant Identified

Scientists studying the genome of SARS-CoV-2, the virus behind the COVID-19 pandemic, have learned that a future variant of the virus traveled back in time from 2029 to 1984 on a mission to assassinate Doctor Anthony Fauci before he could be appointed director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (NIAID). The mission was unsuccessful.

The variant, provisionally designated Schwarzenegger-29, appears to be a hybridized version of the naturally occurring Tau-800 variant from 2028 and the Model 101 artificial variant manufactured by Cyberdyne Systems, a Chinese-owned technology firm, in 2029. Upon arrival in 1984, Schwarzenegger-29 began systematically assassinating anybody it could find named Anthony Fauci.

“Yeah, I remember back in ’84, a few months before I was made director of NIAID, I get this knock at the door,” Fauci said in a hastily-arranged press conference this afternoon. “I opened up and there was this big, tough lookin’ variant there. It asked if I was Tony Fauci. It seemed suspicious, especially with its fake German or Austrian accent, so I just told it, ‘Nah, I’m Sarah Connor,’ and it went away. Good thing too. I wasn’t wearing a mask or anything.”

Fauci assumed office as director at NIAID in December of 1984, and has been at the forefront of the American response to the COVID-19 pandemic since it emerged in 2019.

“I did have another weird experience with a very similar looking variant, and this other shape-shifting metallic one. Must have been back around ’91. I’ve been pretty busy since then so I can’t say much more about it.”

Officials advise that time-traveling COVID-19 poses a minimal risk to the general public. Each new variant tends to be less deadly, but versions designed to target specific individuals could pose a serious risk to the targeted person or anybody who shares their name. White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki added, “If you are approached by any COVID-19 variant, simply identify yourself as Sarah Connor and walk away. We’re all in this together. I will circle back with more details as soon as we have them.”

Scott Bradford has been putting his opinions on his website since 1995—before most people knew what a website was. He has been a professional web developer in the public- and private-sector for over twenty years. He is an independent constitutional conservative who believes in human rights and limited government, and a Catholic Christian whose beliefs are summarized in the Nicene Creed. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Public Administration from George Mason University. He loves Pink Floyd and can play the bass guitar . . . sort-of. He’s a husband, pet lover, amateur radio operator, and classic AMC/Jeep enthusiast.