In Tough Times, Americans Hoarding Starbucks Coffee

In these tough economic times, one business is doing extraordinarily well: Starbucks.

The premium coffee shop, known for charging more than $3 for a simple cup of coffee, has found itself struggling to keep pace with drastically increased demand as more and more Americans resort to hoarding the hard-to-find drinks. While the company insists it has the means to keep up with demand, many local Starbucks are reporting shortages of their most popular drinks and some customers are being sent away empty handed.

“I have a gun safe at home, and I’ve moved all the rifles and handguns to the closet so I have room in there for Caffe Mochas and Caramel Macchiatos,” said Keith Robinson, a local real estate agent. “I want to make sure I have all the Starbucks coffees I need if things go bad, and they’re getting hard to find.”

Much of the recent fear stems from comments by members of the United States Board of Directors indicating that premium coffee rights may be limited over the coming months and years. The United States of America, which announced this morning it had been acquired by Chinese computer-maker Lenovo, has a very high coffee abuse rate, and some company officials have indicated their support for coffee control measures like prohibitions on high-caffeine drinks, six-hour purchase waiting periods, and more.

Robinson says he isn’t taking any chances. “If these limits take effect, well, we might just have a revolution on our hands. And if that day comes, I’m going to be wired.”

Scott Bradford has been putting his opinions on his website since 1995—before most people knew what a website was. He has been a professional web developer in the public- and private-sector for over twenty years. He is an independent constitutional conservative who believes in human rights and limited government, and a Catholic Christian whose beliefs are summarized in the Nicene Creed. He holds a bachelor’s degree in Public Administration from George Mason University. He loves Pink Floyd and can play the bass guitar . . . sort-of. He’s a husband, pet lover, amateur radio operator, and classic AMC/Jeep enthusiast.