President Obama:
I can save the American automotive industry, and it will only cost the taxpayers 10 billion dollars (which is less than half of what GM and Chrysler are requesting). Please make the check payable to “Scott Bradford”. I will be happy to pick it up at the White House, or we can make arrangements for a direct deposit if that’s easier. This payment is a one-time, non-refundable investment in the creation of a new privately-held company: American Motors, LLC.
I will need two things from you (in addition to the 10 billion dollars). First, I will need legal authority to terminate union contracts that were signed by the current U.S. auto manufacturers under duress (the threat of a United Auto Workers [UAW] strike), which should be legally invalid anyway. Second, I will need your support and Federal Trade Commission (FTC) approval for American Motors, LLC to purchase all three of the ‘big three’ auto manufacturers. I figure if you can get Congress to approve an 800 billion dollars ‘stimulus’ in two weeks, you should be able to get these things approved in that time or less.